Really bad dog and cat jokes

Dad: Johnny, I'm really sorry to have to tell you this, but Rover got hit by a car, and he died. I guess God wanted Rover in Heaven.

Johnny: What would God want with a dead dog?

* * * * *

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

* * * * *

A man driving home from work one day hits a cat. He gets out of his car, sees that the cat is dead, and that a little old lady is watching from a window in a little house. He goes up to the house and rings the doorbell. When she comes to the door, he says, "Ma'am, I am very sorry that I killed your cat. I would like to replace it."

The little old lady looks the fellow up and down, and says, "I suppose you will do. How are you at catching mice?"

* * * * *

A woman finds an old lamp at a yard sale. When she gets it home, she gets out a cloth to polish, and to her amazement, a genie pops out! The genie offers the woman the quintessential three wishes. The woman asks for a new house. With a poof! her little cottage turns into a beautiful, spacious mansion. Next, she asks the genie to make her young and pretty again. She looks into a mirror as poof!! - her arthritic old body is restored to youthful beauty. For her last wish, she asks for her cat to turn into a handsome young gentleman. With a final poof!!! her cat is transformed into a handsome young gentleman. He takes her in his strong manly arms and whispers into her ear, "I"ll bet you are sorry now for that little trip to the vet!"

No Ways! Another Doggy Sweater?

I cannot believe what you’s gone and did to me, again even! Didn’t I say it? Didn’t I say it? I’s is sure I said: ‘NO MORE DOGGY SWEATERS!!!!!” Didn’t I say it? And what did you do? You went and knitted me another doggy sweater. Why you gotta keep knittin’ these doggy sweaters? Why can’t you knit sompting for the cat?

There’s is noooooo waaaaayssss I’s is gonna wear this, this, what is this? A circus costume or sompting? A fuzzy strippedy circus costume? You ’spect me to walk down the doggy path in this thing? All the other puppies is gonna laugh at me. Is that what you wants? All the other doggies laughin’ at me?

Just look at this one! Just look! Are yous’es even lookin’? This doggy sweater is too little for me. Firstest you knit me a little doggy sweater an ‘ it’s too big for me, and then nextest you knit me a little doggy sweater that’s too small. What’s are yous’es thinkin’ – that I’m just like Goldilocks? Are yous’es gonna knit me another little doggy sweater that’s just right?

I’s is such a cute little puppy dog. I don’t need no doggy sweaters. You go knit one for the kitty cat.

My Horse

Yes, the girl on the horse in this picture is me. This is the "before" picture. Fortunately, no one took an "after" picture . . .

Novels about horses were very popular among girls when I was in junior high school. I read all of "The Black Stallion" series, the "My Friend Flicka" books, "Black Beauty" and "Misty of  Chincoteague". Most teenage girls would love to have had their own horse. I got to live that dream . . .

We had a family farm for four years, from when I was ten to fourteen. We had dairy cows, and my sister and I had to get up at 5:30 every morning to help with the milking until it was time for school, and then after school another three hours. I complained a great deal about my lot in life.

My dad didn't have a whole lot of sympathy for my whining. When he was my age, he had a lot more chores than we did, and when Grandma and Grandpa ran out of work, they sent him to the neighbour's farm to work, and he had to give all of the money he earned to Grandma, and then he had to walk 3 miles to school barefoot in the snow - up hill both ways. Okay, not that last one.

Dad surprised me and my sister Debbie by buying horses for us. It was the summer I turned twelve. My horse was named Rusty. And as I said earlier, the picture above is the "before" picture.

This was my first time on Rusty, and I was terrified. It was okay when Dad was leading her around the yard, but then he gave me the reins (literally!) and told me to ride around the pasture.

In the "Trixie Beldon" novel series that l collected, Trixie gets riding lessons. I remembered from the books how her instructor kept telling her to keep her heels down. As it turned out, this was a very good thing to remember.

I had no idea how to ride a horse. I really wished that Dad had agreed to let us take riding lessons from the kid who sold us the horses. I can't remember his name, but I remember his long, curly blond hair. He was fifteen, and really cute. He offered to give me and Debbie riding lessons, but Dad said no.

So there I was, riding Rusty around the field, not knowing anything except to keep my heels down. Rusty started to go  little faster, and then a whole lot faster. I lost my balance and fell off. My only injury was to my left shoulder. I couldn't lift my arm for about two weeks. Fortunately, I didn't get dragged at all, because I had remembered to keep my heels down.

The other thing that Trixie Beldon's riding instructor told her was to always get right back up on the horse after a fall. That one I didn't do. I don't think I ever rode again after that. Debbie didn't ride her horse very often either. We kept the horses for awhile, not riding them, and eventually Dad sold them.

I don't really include horses in my Ode to Critters I have Loved. My apologies to any horse lovers reading this. I like cats.

Advice from Momma Cat for Fed Up and Raising a Stink

Dear Momma Cat,

My humans are very slow to clean my litter box. Sometimes it doesn’t get done for weeks, and I have to hold my breath when I go in there. It stinks! What should I do? How do I train them to keep my litter box clean?

Meowly,

Fed up and raising a stink

Dear Fed up,

I can really empathize with you. It seems like almost every feline has this complaint about their humans.

We need to meow up for our rights! We’re people too, you know. We deserve to have a clean and sanitary place to go.

How would they like it if we took our business elsewhere, like on their carpets, or in that nice clean dirt that they keep plants in? That should get their attention! Use caution, however, when you get their attention this way. I heard from one feline that her human actually wrote an article on the internet that said she was looking for recipes for cat stew! How barbaric humans are! But I know, we keep them around because they’re cute.

Meowing sincerely,

Momma Cat

The Story of a Family who kept Cats

I found this little gem hiding, mislabelled in my files (if you saw my files, you would understand why). It is out of chronological order here. But then, so am I. My kids have seen some of my posts about our critters, and have pointed out that I have substituted a picture of one cat while telling the story of another, but then - you should see my files! Not that I would want you to.

I have also been told that I have used pictures of cats wanting out that were actually taken of cats who were outside wanting in. But I often wrote the stories first, of things that the cats were doing, and then I spent days following the cats around waiting for them to do it again. But pets are like toddlers - they stop whatever cute thing they were doing as soon as you run to get the camera. 

Plus - most of the pictures that I took look like they were taken by someone with Parkinson's disease and an obsolete camera. So shoot them for me!

Sorry for that little rant. Here is:

The Story of a Family who kept Cats.

At least, they thought they kept cats but truth be told, it was the cats who kept the humans.

Once upon a time, the family went to visit friends who were owned by a mommy cat who just had kittens. The kittens used all of their baby kitty charm. It worked very well. The family took two adorable baby girl kitties home. The humans named their new masters Heidi and Mittens.

Baby kittens just grow up so fast! The human family missed having little kittens around. The human Mommy had an idea. It turned out to be a bad idea, as you may have already guessed. The human mommy (who had spent a few years on a farm when she was a child) decided to illustrate the “talk” she had with her two daughters with a visual aid. She asked a friend who had an adorable boy cat if the family could borrow him for a little while.

TJ (Tiger Junior) seemed to immediately know the task to which he had been assigned.  The plan worked. Much too well actually. The family, including the two girls who were 10 and 12 years old at the time, was subjected to kitty porn for what seemed like 24/7 for a week. The Mommy who had spent a few years on a farm had seen lots of newborn kittens, but she had no idea how much time the tomcats had spent with the mommy cats.

The happy result was that both of our girl kittens lost the innocence of kittenhood and were soon to become mommy cats. The human Mommy called her friend to come get her boy cat back. His task was done. But the friend didn’t want her cat back. The family tried to give the boy cat away, but no one answered the ads. 

The human mommy was not too concerned yet. It was warm enough now for the boy cat to live outside. He did not like that idea, not one little bit! He felt discriminated against. He tried very hard to get back inside, where the other cats were. One rather well executed attempt was temporarily successful. The garage door was open. He was concealed on top of the garage door. The next time the human mommy opened the door, he made an impressive leap from atop the garage door into the porch. Yes! He was in. The human mommy promptly picked him up and tossed him back outside. Meowzzers! Foiled again!

The human mommy had a new idea. This one was a good idea, but she missed the window of opportunity. As soon as the two litters of kittens were weaned, the two mommy cats would go to visit the vet.

Who knew that mommy cats could get pregnant again while still nursing kittens? That year the family got to experience the wonder of kitten-birth four times. All together there were nineteen kittens born in the house that year. 

Heidi and Mittens made their trip to the vet, and the family managed to find homes for all of the kittens by Christmas time. The last one was a boy kitten named Rusty. Perhaps he might be getting too big to give away, but then someone phoned who wanted a boy kitten to give to his son for a Christmas present.

And they all had a peaceful,
 kitten-free Christmas. 

The End

Advice from Momma Cat to Humiliated Tom

Dear Momma Cat,

I am a miserable little kitty. My momma sent me to live with new humans. I really miss my momma and my nine brothers and sisters. My new humans put me in a small room all by myself. I was so lonely! I cried and cried, but my momma didn't come.

At least they put a clean litter box in my room. They come to clean it every day, and they bring me clean water and fresh food twice a day. They seem like really nice humans. The worst thing they did was when they put me in a little cage and took me in something they called a ‘car’ to a place called ‘the vet’.

I soon learned the vet is a cruel human with a torture chamber for animals. She put me on a hard, cold table and poked and prodded me all over. Then she took a tube with a very sharp thing at one end, and she poked me with it. That really hurt! Then my humans put me back in the little cage and took me back to their house and put me back in my little room.

After a few more days, they let me out of the room, and I found out that my humans have little humans living with them. That was when the real torture started.

The little humans are girl humans, and they seem to think that I am one of their playthings. They keep putting clothes on me; they hold me upside down and carry me around like a human cub; and they put me into something called a ‘stroller’ (like a bed, but it moves) and they push me around in it.

What can I do about these little humans? I don’t want to have to bite and scratch them, but sometimes it’s the only way I can get free. Especially the time they tried to put me in a tub full of water because they thought I needed a bath.

I really hope you can help me, Momma Cat. I can’t stand it here! Now I am hearing the big humans talking about taking me back to the vet to do something called ‘neutering’ to me. I don’t know what that means, but if it is something that the cruel vet does to felines, I’ve got to get out of this place!

I remain;

Humiliated Tomcat

Dear Tom,

You might not want to hear this, but your new humans sound like responsible staff for cats. I know all about vets. They are not cruel to felines, honest. The things that your vet does to you might hurt, but they are for your own good. Trust me.

Now, about your girl humans wanting to dress you up and play with you. This may sound cruel, but if you want them to stop, you will have to scratch them. Here is what I expect will happen: the girls will go running to the grown up humans and they will be crying about the scratches. From what you have told me about them, I suspect that your humans are already trained. A well trained human will tell their young that getting scratched is what happens when they play with you like a doll.

You are actually a fortunate kitty. Your humans are cleaning your litter box and taking you to the vet. The little girls who are tormenting you now will grow up soon. I know it seems like a long time for a kitten, but in two or three years they will be turning in their dolls for make- up and gadgets that will keep their attention for hours with something called “Facebook.”

So just be patient with your humans. It sounds like you have found a good home.

Yours meowly,

Momma Cat

Brandi the Cute Li'le Puppy Dog - Yous has gots to be kidding!

I's is a cute li’le puppy dog. I gots lotsa pretty hair. No ways is I gonna wear one o’ve them doggie sweaters. Nooooo waaaaaaaays! Nope. I wouldn’a wanna be caught dead in one'a those.

See, see, see! You put me in one o’ve them doggie sweaters, and look, look, LOOK! You put on the doggie sweater and I rolled over ‘n played dead – I mean – I rolled over ‘n deaded…see! You want me t’ be all rolled over dead?

Okay. So I’s is not rolled over dead. I’s is wearing the doggie sweater ‘n I’s is not dead. So you happy now? You happy that I’s is wearing the doggie sweater that you knitted for me. You happy now?

Thanks you for taking the doggie sweater offa me. See – I don’ need no doggie sweater. I gots lotsa nice fluffy  hair. I’s is very, very cute. Now go away.

All photos by author.

Advice from Momma Cat: Where did the water go?

Dear Momma Cat,

I have found a really cool toy, but it won’t work unless I can get a human to come turn it on for me. I wait and wait, and sometimes I even fall asleep while waiting. Is there any way that you can tell me that I can learn to turn it on myself, or to train my humans to turn it on for me?

Signed,

Where did the water go?

P.S. Sometimes when I fall asleep in the cat sized round white thing, my humans will come in and turn the water on. I hate that!

Dear Water Kitten,

I know the toy of which you speak. There are several at my house as well. Humans call them ‘taps’, and the cat sized round white thing is a ‘sink’. The little rooms that have sinks and taps in them are called ‘bathrooms’. 

Bathrooms also have bigger round white things that look a bit like sinks, except that they sit on them and they don’t put their hands in them. Those are called toilets. Droolers like to drink the water from them, but no self respecting feline would do that.

Toilets do have a little lever on them that makes the water go around and around. Some felines have figured out how to push this lever and I have heard that this can be fun. But I’m sorry, I don’t know of any felines who have learned to turn the taps on by themselves. We all have to wait for our humans to come and turn them on for us.

I have noticed that my female human turns on the taps almost every time she goes into the bathroom to use the toilet. So what you need to do is to get her to go into the bathroom more often. When my humans drink a lot of that hot, bitter brown water, it makes them use the bathroom way more often.

Hope this advice helps. By the way, if you do fall asleep in the sink quite often, your humans will be amused, and they will turn on the taps for you to play in.

Meowly!

Momma Cat

Video Attribution: by Author

Advice from Momma Cat: Training your Human to Open the Door

Dear Momma Cat,

I am in the house, but I want to go Out. I know that this contraption opens to Out, but I don't know how it works.

There is a Drooler at my house who has somehow trained my Humans to open it for her, but how do I get them to open it for me?

Meowly,

I Want Out


Dear I Want Out,

That is a tough one. The contraption in your photo is what the humans refer to as a door. Getting them to open it for you is one trick that the Droolers seem to have our humans perform for them several times a day just by barking and spinning in circles and running back and forth from the human to the door. This type of behaviour is obviously unbefitting for felines.

Some felines have mastered the art of jumping up to press the button that makes humans open the door for other humans who are outside and want in. In all my long life of eight years I have only met one feline who was proficient at this feat. She told me that her human would open the door, look around in complete befuddlement when there would be no human waiting on the outside, just a feline!

If you are fast and silent enough, you could try waiting until your human opens 

the door to get stuff from the little metal box on the outside of the house. My human does this every morning, but I can’t seem to get her to leave me be when I get out. She always chases me back in.

So I am sorry, Little One Who Wants Out. There are some tricks that are difficult to train humans to do. If you are really desperate, you could try to get a Drooler to help you. They are stupid creatures who do tricks for their humans and whine when they are left alone, but they do seem to know how to get the humans to let them out.

Meowly

Momma Cat

Brother from Another Mother - Totally!

Arwen (aka Freaky Cat) had one litter of kittens. She ignored the nice basket that I had set up for her time of lying-in, opting rather to give birth in Kalene's sock drawer. That was quite a surprise for Kalene when she got back from camp! 

Freaky Cat and Brandi never did learn to get along, but one of her kittens formed a cross species friendship that was quite amazing. Here is Jethro - Brandi's Brother from another Mother:

 Brandi sniffs out this new little creature ...

And decides that it can be a friend.
Soon they were the same size.

I have never seen a bond like this between a cat and a dog.

  Jethro groomed Brandi ...

They even snuggled up together to sleep.


Unfortunately, Jethro got hit by an SUV and died. Brandi was quite distraught. For days, she just sat at the top of the stairs, waiting for Jethro to come up the stairs. 

We have had two or three cats since then, but they all treated Brandi like a dog. In my next blog, I will share the difference between cats and dogs. 

Okay, The Dog Can Stay

I still don’t like dogs, but Brandi proved her worth late one night (actually, early one morning) in January of 2011. Here is the blog I wrote back then:

We forgot to lock the front door last night. It was a bad night to have been negligent. Good thing Brandi our Shih-tzu/Poodle Watch Puppy was on duty.

In the wee hours of the morning, a prowler in our neighbourhood broke into a home on our street, and stole cash and beer. He then went on to other homes, including ours. We woke up to the sound of Brandi barking her little puppy head off.

My husband, Derek, went to investigate. Our front door was standing open, and a lone figure wearing a hoodie over his head was walking down the street. Derek called the police.

It turned out that the police were already out looking for this fellow. In Canada, it isn't so easy to elude police on foot in the wintertime, since they can just follow the footprints in the snow. Unfortunately, this subject was able to dodge the officers by cutting through a busy gas station parking lot. Our phone call got them back on his trail, and they quickly caught up with him.

Brandi is so friendly and loves to greet everyone who comes to our door. I have often said that if a burglar ever got in she would lick him to death. I am glad to be proved wrong. A burglar did come to our door and her barking scared him away.

So I take back all of my “I don’t like dogs” rants. This one can stay. I am still a cat person, and I love our two cats, but I rather doubt if either of them would have scared away an intruder. They just sit on the window ledge and groom themselves.

You! Human! I Want Out! From the blog of Freaky Cat

The cold Canadian winter had finally come to an end, and the balmy week or two of summer had not yet begun. It was, as the humans say, spring. The humans finally opened my door to the outside world, but then they put this wire mesh over my door, once again making me a prisoner inside their home. I must find a way to get back outside.

Hey, You! Human! Removed this mesh from my door. I want out!

 Once again, I am forced to take matters into my own paws! There must be a way past this wire mesh and this wall of green. This green stuff resembles grass, but it neither smells or tastes of grass, It must be a plot of the humans - a trick for making me believe that I am outside. They fool me not!

 You are evil. I am Freaky Cat, and I will get out!

Let me Out!

I have seen the human use this device to get out - how does one use this to open the door?

 Victory at last! I have broken through the wire mesh door! I am Out!

. Out is nice. This is real grass!

Okay, that is enough of Out. Now I want back in.

#$%&* Meow! The humans have replaced the wire mesh over my door!

Hey! You! Human! Yes, you there, tap tap tapping on that little silver box thingy! Let me In!

They are evil, these humans. I will find a way. I am Freaky Cat! I got Out, and I will get back In!

Bwahahahahahah! I am Freaky Cat, and I am getting back in!

Ah! Yes! In is nice!

Freaky Cat Meets a Cute Little Fluff Ball

In the second year of the reign of Arwen, aka: Freaky Cat, there came a little white fluff ball to invade her majesty's reign of terror. The little fluff ball, aka: Brandi the Cute Little Puppy Dog, had no knowledge of the evil feline world or the maleficence portending any who dared to invade her majesty's personal space. Here, for the entertainment of those who dare, is the bloggage of Freaky Cat. 

I am Arwen, ruler of this land, High Queen of All That Is. You may take my photograph. Yes, you - human. You may take my photograph, and then fetch my dinner. 

What is this fluffy white creature, and what is it doing in my dining hall?

Cute? No, I am cute! This odious fluffball is repugnant!

Adorable? No, this fluffball is neither cute nor adorable! I am cute and adorable. Focus that camera on me!












You, stay down there.This dining space is mine!

Humans! Remove the fluffball from my presence!



































It is still here. Must I take matters into my own paws?

Come here, little Fluffy Fluffy...

Why do you look at me like that? Cats cannot pick up hammers!

Now, the little fluffy is asleep. Good Fluffly Fluffy! I am Arwen, the Freaky Cat. I am very sneaky, no?

I was not going to anything to the sleepy little fluffball.