Advice from Momma Cat for Fed Up and Raising a Stink

Dear Momma Cat,

My humans are very slow to clean my litter box. Sometimes it doesn’t get done for weeks, and I have to hold my breath when I go in there. It stinks! What should I do? How do I train them to keep my litter box clean?

Meowly,

Fed up and raising a stink

Dear Fed up,

I can really empathize with you. It seems like almost every feline has this complaint about their humans.

We need to meow up for our rights! We’re people too, you know. We deserve to have a clean and sanitary place to go.

How would they like it if we took our business elsewhere, like on their carpets, or in that nice clean dirt that they keep plants in? That should get their attention! Use caution, however, when you get their attention this way. I heard from one feline that her human actually wrote an article on the internet that said she was looking for recipes for cat stew! How barbaric humans are! But I know, we keep them around because they’re cute.

Meowing sincerely,

Momma Cat

The Story of a Family who kept Cats

I found this little gem hiding, mislabelled in my files (if you saw my files, you would understand why). It is out of chronological order here. But then, so am I. My kids have seen some of my posts about our critters, and have pointed out that I have substituted a picture of one cat while telling the story of another, but then - you should see my files! Not that I would want you to.

I have also been told that I have used pictures of cats wanting out that were actually taken of cats who were outside wanting in. But I often wrote the stories first, of things that the cats were doing, and then I spent days following the cats around waiting for them to do it again. But pets are like toddlers - they stop whatever cute thing they were doing as soon as you run to get the camera. 

Plus - most of the pictures that I took look like they were taken by someone with Parkinson's disease and an obsolete camera. So shoot them for me!

Sorry for that little rant. Here is:

The Story of a Family who kept Cats.

At least, they thought they kept cats but truth be told, it was the cats who kept the humans.

Once upon a time, the family went to visit friends who were owned by a mommy cat who just had kittens. The kittens used all of their baby kitty charm. It worked very well. The family took two adorable baby girl kitties home. The humans named their new masters Heidi and Mittens.

Baby kittens just grow up so fast! The human family missed having little kittens around. The human Mommy had an idea. It turned out to be a bad idea, as you may have already guessed. The human mommy (who had spent a few years on a farm when she was a child) decided to illustrate the “talk” she had with her two daughters with a visual aid. She asked a friend who had an adorable boy cat if the family could borrow him for a little while.

TJ (Tiger Junior) seemed to immediately know the task to which he had been assigned.  The plan worked. Much too well actually. The family, including the two girls who were 10 and 12 years old at the time, was subjected to kitty porn for what seemed like 24/7 for a week. The Mommy who had spent a few years on a farm had seen lots of newborn kittens, but she had no idea how much time the tomcats had spent with the mommy cats.

The happy result was that both of our girl kittens lost the innocence of kittenhood and were soon to become mommy cats. The human Mommy called her friend to come get her boy cat back. His task was done. But the friend didn’t want her cat back. The family tried to give the boy cat away, but no one answered the ads. 

The human mommy was not too concerned yet. It was warm enough now for the boy cat to live outside. He did not like that idea, not one little bit! He felt discriminated against. He tried very hard to get back inside, where the other cats were. One rather well executed attempt was temporarily successful. The garage door was open. He was concealed on top of the garage door. The next time the human mommy opened the door, he made an impressive leap from atop the garage door into the porch. Yes! He was in. The human mommy promptly picked him up and tossed him back outside. Meowzzers! Foiled again!

The human mommy had a new idea. This one was a good idea, but she missed the window of opportunity. As soon as the two litters of kittens were weaned, the two mommy cats would go to visit the vet.

Who knew that mommy cats could get pregnant again while still nursing kittens? That year the family got to experience the wonder of kitten-birth four times. All together there were nineteen kittens born in the house that year. 

Heidi and Mittens made their trip to the vet, and the family managed to find homes for all of the kittens by Christmas time. The last one was a boy kitten named Rusty. Perhaps he might be getting too big to give away, but then someone phoned who wanted a boy kitten to give to his son for a Christmas present.

And they all had a peaceful,
 kitten-free Christmas. 

The End

Advice from Momma Cat to Humiliated Tom

Dear Momma Cat,

I am a miserable little kitty. My momma sent me to live with new humans. I really miss my momma and my nine brothers and sisters. My new humans put me in a small room all by myself. I was so lonely! I cried and cried, but my momma didn't come.

At least they put a clean litter box in my room. They come to clean it every day, and they bring me clean water and fresh food twice a day. They seem like really nice humans. The worst thing they did was when they put me in a little cage and took me in something they called a ‘car’ to a place called ‘the vet’.

I soon learned the vet is a cruel human with a torture chamber for animals. She put me on a hard, cold table and poked and prodded me all over. Then she took a tube with a very sharp thing at one end, and she poked me with it. That really hurt! Then my humans put me back in the little cage and took me back to their house and put me back in my little room.

After a few more days, they let me out of the room, and I found out that my humans have little humans living with them. That was when the real torture started.

The little humans are girl humans, and they seem to think that I am one of their playthings. They keep putting clothes on me; they hold me upside down and carry me around like a human cub; and they put me into something called a ‘stroller’ (like a bed, but it moves) and they push me around in it.

What can I do about these little humans? I don’t want to have to bite and scratch them, but sometimes it’s the only way I can get free. Especially the time they tried to put me in a tub full of water because they thought I needed a bath.

I really hope you can help me, Momma Cat. I can’t stand it here! Now I am hearing the big humans talking about taking me back to the vet to do something called ‘neutering’ to me. I don’t know what that means, but if it is something that the cruel vet does to felines, I’ve got to get out of this place!

I remain;

Humiliated Tomcat

Dear Tom,

You might not want to hear this, but your new humans sound like responsible staff for cats. I know all about vets. They are not cruel to felines, honest. The things that your vet does to you might hurt, but they are for your own good. Trust me.

Now, about your girl humans wanting to dress you up and play with you. This may sound cruel, but if you want them to stop, you will have to scratch them. Here is what I expect will happen: the girls will go running to the grown up humans and they will be crying about the scratches. From what you have told me about them, I suspect that your humans are already trained. A well trained human will tell their young that getting scratched is what happens when they play with you like a doll.

You are actually a fortunate kitty. Your humans are cleaning your litter box and taking you to the vet. The little girls who are tormenting you now will grow up soon. I know it seems like a long time for a kitten, but in two or three years they will be turning in their dolls for make- up and gadgets that will keep their attention for hours with something called “Facebook.”

So just be patient with your humans. It sounds like you have found a good home.

Yours meowly,

Momma Cat

Brandi the Cute Li'le Puppy Dog - Yous has gots to be kidding!

I's is a cute li’le puppy dog. I gots lotsa pretty hair. No ways is I gonna wear one o’ve them doggie sweaters. Nooooo waaaaaaaays! Nope. I wouldn’a wanna be caught dead in one'a those.

See, see, see! You put me in one o’ve them doggie sweaters, and look, look, LOOK! You put on the doggie sweater and I rolled over ‘n played dead – I mean – I rolled over ‘n deaded…see! You want me t’ be all rolled over dead?

Okay. So I’s is not rolled over dead. I’s is wearing the doggie sweater ‘n I’s is not dead. So you happy now? You happy that I’s is wearing the doggie sweater that you knitted for me. You happy now?

Thanks you for taking the doggie sweater offa me. See – I don’ need no doggie sweater. I gots lotsa nice fluffy  hair. I’s is very, very cute. Now go away.

All photos by author.

Advice from Momma Cat: Where did the water go?

Dear Momma Cat,

I have found a really cool toy, but it won’t work unless I can get a human to come turn it on for me. I wait and wait, and sometimes I even fall asleep while waiting. Is there any way that you can tell me that I can learn to turn it on myself, or to train my humans to turn it on for me?

Signed,

Where did the water go?

P.S. Sometimes when I fall asleep in the cat sized round white thing, my humans will come in and turn the water on. I hate that!

Dear Water Kitten,

I know the toy of which you speak. There are several at my house as well. Humans call them ‘taps’, and the cat sized round white thing is a ‘sink’. The little rooms that have sinks and taps in them are called ‘bathrooms’. 

Bathrooms also have bigger round white things that look a bit like sinks, except that they sit on them and they don’t put their hands in them. Those are called toilets. Droolers like to drink the water from them, but no self respecting feline would do that.

Toilets do have a little lever on them that makes the water go around and around. Some felines have figured out how to push this lever and I have heard that this can be fun. But I’m sorry, I don’t know of any felines who have learned to turn the taps on by themselves. We all have to wait for our humans to come and turn them on for us.

I have noticed that my female human turns on the taps almost every time she goes into the bathroom to use the toilet. So what you need to do is to get her to go into the bathroom more often. When my humans drink a lot of that hot, bitter brown water, it makes them use the bathroom way more often.

Hope this advice helps. By the way, if you do fall asleep in the sink quite often, your humans will be amused, and they will turn on the taps for you to play in.

Meowly!

Momma Cat

Video Attribution: by Author

Advice from Momma Cat: Training your Human to Open the Door

Dear Momma Cat,

I am in the house, but I want to go Out. I know that this contraption opens to Out, but I don't know how it works.

There is a Drooler at my house who has somehow trained my Humans to open it for her, but how do I get them to open it for me?

Meowly,

I Want Out


Dear I Want Out,

That is a tough one. The contraption in your photo is what the humans refer to as a door. Getting them to open it for you is one trick that the Droolers seem to have our humans perform for them several times a day just by barking and spinning in circles and running back and forth from the human to the door. This type of behaviour is obviously unbefitting for felines.

Some felines have mastered the art of jumping up to press the button that makes humans open the door for other humans who are outside and want in. In all my long life of eight years I have only met one feline who was proficient at this feat. She told me that her human would open the door, look around in complete befuddlement when there would be no human waiting on the outside, just a feline!

If you are fast and silent enough, you could try waiting until your human opens 

the door to get stuff from the little metal box on the outside of the house. My human does this every morning, but I can’t seem to get her to leave me be when I get out. She always chases me back in.

So I am sorry, Little One Who Wants Out. There are some tricks that are difficult to train humans to do. If you are really desperate, you could try to get a Drooler to help you. They are stupid creatures who do tricks for their humans and whine when they are left alone, but they do seem to know how to get the humans to let them out.

Meowly

Momma Cat