Really bad dog and cat jokes

Dad: Johnny, I'm really sorry to have to tell you this, but Rover got hit by a car, and he died. I guess God wanted Rover in Heaven.

Johnny: What would God want with a dead dog?

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Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

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A man driving home from work one day hits a cat. He gets out of his car, sees that the cat is dead, and that a little old lady is watching from a window in a little house. He goes up to the house and rings the doorbell. When she comes to the door, he says, "Ma'am, I am very sorry that I killed your cat. I would like to replace it."

The little old lady looks the fellow up and down, and says, "I suppose you will do. How are you at catching mice?"

* * * * *

A woman finds an old lamp at a yard sale. When she gets it home, she gets out a cloth to polish, and to her amazement, a genie pops out! The genie offers the woman the quintessential three wishes. The woman asks for a new house. With a poof! her little cottage turns into a beautiful, spacious mansion. Next, she asks the genie to make her young and pretty again. She looks into a mirror as poof!! - her arthritic old body is restored to youthful beauty. For her last wish, she asks for her cat to turn into a handsome young gentleman. With a final poof!!! her cat is transformed into a handsome young gentleman. He takes her in his strong manly arms and whispers into her ear, "I"ll bet you are sorry now for that little trip to the vet!"

Advice from Momma Cat for Fed Up and Raising a Stink

Dear Momma Cat,

My humans are very slow to clean my litter box. Sometimes it doesn’t get done for weeks, and I have to hold my breath when I go in there. It stinks! What should I do? How do I train them to keep my litter box clean?

Meowly,

Fed up and raising a stink

Dear Fed up,

I can really empathize with you. It seems like almost every feline has this complaint about their humans.

We need to meow up for our rights! We’re people too, you know. We deserve to have a clean and sanitary place to go.

How would they like it if we took our business elsewhere, like on their carpets, or in that nice clean dirt that they keep plants in? That should get their attention! Use caution, however, when you get their attention this way. I heard from one feline that her human actually wrote an article on the internet that said she was looking for recipes for cat stew! How barbaric humans are! But I know, we keep them around because they’re cute.

Meowing sincerely,

Momma Cat

The Story of a Family who kept Cats

I found this little gem hiding, mislabelled in my files (if you saw my files, you would understand why). It is out of chronological order here. But then, so am I. My kids have seen some of my posts about our critters, and have pointed out that I have substituted a picture of one cat while telling the story of another, but then - you should see my files! Not that I would want you to.

I have also been told that I have used pictures of cats wanting out that were actually taken of cats who were outside wanting in. But I often wrote the stories first, of things that the cats were doing, and then I spent days following the cats around waiting for them to do it again. But pets are like toddlers - they stop whatever cute thing they were doing as soon as you run to get the camera. 

Plus - most of the pictures that I took look like they were taken by someone with Parkinson's disease and an obsolete camera. So shoot them for me!

Sorry for that little rant. Here is:

The Story of a Family who kept Cats.

At least, they thought they kept cats but truth be told, it was the cats who kept the humans.

Once upon a time, the family went to visit friends who were owned by a mommy cat who just had kittens. The kittens used all of their baby kitty charm. It worked very well. The family took two adorable baby girl kitties home. The humans named their new masters Heidi and Mittens.

Baby kittens just grow up so fast! The human family missed having little kittens around. The human Mommy had an idea. It turned out to be a bad idea, as you may have already guessed. The human mommy (who had spent a few years on a farm when she was a child) decided to illustrate the “talk” she had with her two daughters with a visual aid. She asked a friend who had an adorable boy cat if the family could borrow him for a little while.

TJ (Tiger Junior) seemed to immediately know the task to which he had been assigned.  The plan worked. Much too well actually. The family, including the two girls who were 10 and 12 years old at the time, was subjected to kitty porn for what seemed like 24/7 for a week. The Mommy who had spent a few years on a farm had seen lots of newborn kittens, but she had no idea how much time the tomcats had spent with the mommy cats.

The happy result was that both of our girl kittens lost the innocence of kittenhood and were soon to become mommy cats. The human Mommy called her friend to come get her boy cat back. His task was done. But the friend didn’t want her cat back. The family tried to give the boy cat away, but no one answered the ads. 

The human mommy was not too concerned yet. It was warm enough now for the boy cat to live outside. He did not like that idea, not one little bit! He felt discriminated against. He tried very hard to get back inside, where the other cats were. One rather well executed attempt was temporarily successful. The garage door was open. He was concealed on top of the garage door. The next time the human mommy opened the door, he made an impressive leap from atop the garage door into the porch. Yes! He was in. The human mommy promptly picked him up and tossed him back outside. Meowzzers! Foiled again!

The human mommy had a new idea. This one was a good idea, but she missed the window of opportunity. As soon as the two litters of kittens were weaned, the two mommy cats would go to visit the vet.

Who knew that mommy cats could get pregnant again while still nursing kittens? That year the family got to experience the wonder of kitten-birth four times. All together there were nineteen kittens born in the house that year. 

Heidi and Mittens made their trip to the vet, and the family managed to find homes for all of the kittens by Christmas time. The last one was a boy kitten named Rusty. Perhaps he might be getting too big to give away, but then someone phoned who wanted a boy kitten to give to his son for a Christmas present.

And they all had a peaceful,
 kitten-free Christmas. 

The End